Journal

No.
For one, I think its kinda messed up that the government is allowed to get away with ending a persons life, so death penalty should just be out of the question. Also, the death penalty is an easy way out for major criminals.

Holy shit, I can not believe its already February. Where did time go? Oh, yeah, thats right. I missed out on how many months last fucking year? Uh. God damn. Its a new year and its already shitty as ever. I keep thinking this will get better. New day. New week. New month. New year. Never happens. Fuck. I wish i could go back and re-do last summer. I never want to put the people I care so much about through that. I wish I had my best friend back. God do I miss you... Its been hard. I've gotten one call from you in the past how many months? I just need a support system right now. I think I need ana back. She knew what was best for me. I miss the numbers she got me to. She kept me from being a fat pig. I need my memory back. I dont remember shit. I hate how my boyfriend will ask if I liked something he did, and I cant for the life of me remember it. Not to mention its affecting my grades. Barely passing one class. Failing the rest. Its my junior year, your most important year. Act is next week. Im going to do terrible. Fuck this. I have no future. Sometimes I wonder if it would be better if I didnt make it out of this...

are stupid...
you try sooo hard not to hurt them when you have something to say...
and by the end you're all fucked up...
i made a mistake and i dont think ill get him back.
on a better note, first scrimmage this weekend.
then... shroomies :]
im excited.

i hate him.
he told me he'd always love me and be there for me.
but apparently im not good enough anymore...
how do you do that to someone?
its over now, i guess.
shes better. and he has her.
god damn... i wish i was her.

Wow... havnt journaled on here in a long time... Todays kinda crappy. All cold and snowy... And I can't shake that fight last night....
I thought we were in love, and then this happens....
I fall too easily i guess. I just needed someone there, and now there is no one.
Depressions sinking back in too. My weights gone up.
Forget food and depression. I need to focus on my art and music.
Too bad its not that easy. And I feel like I need him back....
I dont know what I'd say to him though.
But how can you tell someone you love them, but you have a girlfriend, but will be with them as soon as summer comes?
I guess I just put myself into him too much.
Maybe he'll actualy want me once I'm skinny agian....
It would be worth it....

my weights gone up.. apparently im "healthy" in weight...
"healthy" to me is fat...
and my periods back :[[[
im gonna have a couple slices of pizza, tonight, then fast for a week.
getting some laxitives and appetite suppressants soon!! :DDD
but on a lower note.. i self harmed again.. this time on my hip..
i dont really care tho.. it helped me feel a lot better :]
and.. i didnt get to hang out with Phil today... so, hopefuly tomorrow!!!

of course
she has it all
shes gorgeous
perfect
everyone likes her
shes funny
outgoing
has an amazing boyfried
and im just that girl who follows her around now.
i mean, everyone knows who i am
i used to be outgoing... maybe not pretty or anything..
but now..
i feel like im loosing everything.
i just want to be thin.
then i'll have the confedence agian.
i'll do ANYTHING for it...


idk
im just sick of it
thats all
sick of starving and seeing no change.
sick of people talling me to eat when im concerned about my fat jiggling when i walk down the halls at school.
sick of not being what i want.


i really want to self harm agian, but my parents would call the cops on me..
my aunt would get involed.
shit would happen
fuck it.

two.. games.. today...
fun.. but tireing
ha!
betcha i burned loads of cals!
hour practice before, 90 min game, 90+ min practice in between, and another game!
and soon, road clean up!
yay!
but.. i ate a donut today.. and feel kind guilty.
i guess it wasnt too bad.
it wasnt huge.
and i had 3 orange sclices and halfa bagle to go with it
so im no piggie today
and it as before our second practice andsecond game, so im sure i burned it off
:]]]
and... supprisingly im not hungry..
haha
ummm.. i had something else to journal about... but i forgot what.
eh...
i dyed my hair last weekend
and it turned out amazing
:]]]
and.... i dont have anything else to write...

HAPPY 4-20 TO EVERYONE!!!!!
lol
wow.. i havnt done anything exciting today. the wethers crappy anyway. and im stuck at home. i swear i almost passed out 4th hr today, and so im not going to practice today. we hav a game tomorrow, and i feel really fat. i think it'll be a good day to fast. right when i get home from school i'll have to get redy, and then leave, and by the time i get home, i'll take a shower and go to bed! AND BURN LOTS OF CALORIES PLAYING RUGBY! :DDD lol
mmk, so.. my boyfriend dumped me last week. it realy wouldnt be so bad if he wasnt being such a dick al of a sudden. whatever. he can fuck off. i also had to see a pastor for councling over the weekend. it was weird, cause he's like, all christian and all, and im not O.o and... things just havnt bee going wel lately. but on the semi bright side, i might dye my hair this weekend :]]]

today i got back from my dads, and got stuck outside at my moms for a few hours while she was gone haha oh well! nrr... i feel fat... ugh. w/e, i'll start abc monday, and practice starts agian. yay! like i said in my last journal, my dad watches me eat some times... but he was pretty busy with the guys and the band andall, so it was pretty easy to cut back. im aso really confused about my sexuality, too. like, for a few years, i've considered myself bisexual. but lately, i just dont like guys in that way, and i have an even STRONGER attraction to girls than before. i want to tak to my boyfriend about it, but im afraid he'll take it the wrong way, and i'll end up hurtng him. i dont want to hurt him. i care about him a lot. im not saying that im definatly lesbian or anything, i just want to share my feelings... thats all. but i dunno... i dont want to lose him. i just dont know what to do. ugh... life... its a real pain in the tit.